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Health Club Membership



For my fiftieth birthday this year my wife (the dear) purhased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek Goddess--with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo, Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week.

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can get my teeth brushed is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was ok as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked the car on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a maching to simulate an activity redendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap, too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half-hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with the dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine--which I sank

FRIDAY: I hate that blond witch more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the memory of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *#%#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director.

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I didn't show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even used the TV control and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife will chose a gift that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy. :D
 

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If that's a true(to you) story...you have my condolences...if it was someone else, it is funny! As a certified black belt couch potato, I am in no danger of being assaulted in that manner...my wife don't buy me nuttin', anyways...says she's saving for the cremation.....I've seen her cookin'...stay completely away from the oven when she's home....
 
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