"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
Press 1* To lie about why your child is absent.
Press 2* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work.
Press 3* To complain about what we do.
Press 4* To swear at staff members.
Press 5* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you.
Press 6* If you want us to raise your child.
Press 7* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone.
Press 8* To request another teacher, for the third time this year.
Press 9* To complain about bus transportation.
Press 0* To complain about school lunches.
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
*If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.