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Quotes from Stephen Wright

*I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.

* I had amnesia once -
- maybe twice.

* I went to San Francisco.
I found someone's heart.

* Photons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

* All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

* If the world was a logical place,
Men would ride horses sidesaddle.

* What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?

* They told me I was gullible ..
.. And I believed them.

* Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
When he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

* Two can live as cheaply as one,
For half as long.

* Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

* What if there were no hypothetical questions?

* One nice thing about egotists ..
.. They don't talk about other people.

* When the only tool you own is a hammer,
Every problem begins to look like a nail.

* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

* My weight is perfect for my height ..
.. Which varies.

* I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.

* The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

* How can there be self-help "groups"

* Is there another word for synonym?

* The speed of time is one second per second.

* Is it possible to be totally partial?

* What's another word for thesaurus?

* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
And I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

* It's not an optical illusion.
It just looks like one.

* Is it my imagination,
Or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

* If a number 2 pencil is the most popular,
Why is it still number 2?

:)
 

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Whatever happened to him? He's hilarious and I think I've only seen him smile once.

More of his:

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

I spilled spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.

We bought an occasional table.
Sometimes it's a microwave oven.
 

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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
When he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

My favorite.
 

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Funny stuff! Some more...

I once bought a cordless extension cord.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?


Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
 
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