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2,412 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser
for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was
looking for a little something extra for
my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would
never consider a gun -- adequate time to retreat to
safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short,
I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that
if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs
and I'd know it was working.


(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I
was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and
a tank top with my reading glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it,"
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
@[email protected]$$!%[email protected]*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran
in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner,
and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to
"mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. SON-OF-A-BITCH... that hurt like heck!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
elative thing at that point), I collected what little wits
I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for
my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

Still in shock,


Premium Member
2,944 Posts
LOL! Good grief - even I'm not dumb enough to try it on myself.:D

693 Posts
Oh, no! This guy is almost as good as a Darwin Award nominee. [8] Glad he survived and hopefully learned the lesson. [}:)]

302 Posts
That is funny. I did something similiar when I purchased a shock collar for to get me bird dog under control. I didn't want to hit that dog with something I hadn't felt.

That kind of stuff will make ya have blind babies. :D


2,758 Posts
The closest thing like that I've ever done was bump into an electric fence as a young 'un. I hope never to repeat that experience again either. [:p]
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